| I dont know where to start.
After having probably the best weekend i have ever had, since everything with celeste, i feel horrible now. well. no. i guess horrible isnt the correct word to use,. more like "empty" i suppose. I feel hollow, stretched out. Im stuck somewhere in between self assurance, and self pity. Its a miserable feeling, and im going to get out of this rut. I have done so many things, said so many things, that im not proud of. That with all my heart, i regret and would change at the cost of my own life if given the chance. So many people that i owe an apology to out there. So many people better than me, when i use to think i was the better one. I use to think i was so smart, so high and mighty. Even though i knew i did stupid things, illegal things, things better not mentioned here, or anywhere for that matter. And finally i took my sats and saw my high score, i thought i was right. I had proof. Right in front of me was evidence of it all. I told myself i was smart enough to keep everything i was doing under control. All of it. Looking back now, i see i was wrong. Dead Wrong.
High School was such a things of drama. I dont miss it at all. But I do miss how simple the things that counted were. Like friends. I was never mr social. and there were definately alot of untrue rumors floating around about me. But i had my small group of friends. And boy were we a tight group of friends. I miss those days of cuddling with jessica, sitting with melanie and zach, just passing around the chips and talking about absolutely nothing. I miss going and shooting pool with zach every night. I miss the loops we would drive through stow to hudson to kent and back again. I dont miss them because they were the time of my life or anything. I miss them because for once in my life, maybe one of only two times, everything was right. Those moments defined me, molded me, probably saved me.
Things now are different. I was so smart. And here I am, not in college, when I know i should be, and easily could be. Here I am working whatever job I feel like at the time. Here I am being a nobody. And i know, inside, i have the potential to be so much more.
When celeste and i were together, i was changing, for the better. at the time i thought it was a huge change. looking back now i see it wasnt though. it was barely a nudge of a change. and after that relationship ended, i was heart broken, i was a wreck. and i thought i was changed again. and i was. but just another nudge. i guess life doesnt give us a road to walk, with forks in it. Life just gives us little nudges in the direction it wants us to take, but its actually up to us to take the final steps and open the door, and then the hardest part; go through it.
I was in love once too. I know it was love, and i cant really explain how, which is i guess the best explanation of how i know it. Maybe you noticed me using the name celeste a few times in this post. Well thats with who it was. The second time in my life when everything was simple. Not easy, but simple. One direction. All our time was spent together. I think the only time we were not together was when she was at school and then on vacation. When i was with her i felt safe again, i felt something i never felt before. Celeste, if you ever for some chance read this, I just want you to know Im sorry. Im so sorry for everything. I said horrible things to you. Things that never should have been said, I brought up things that never should have been brought up. I would do anything to go back in time and change how i acted. I realize so much more now. I was in love with you, and unfortunately, i still am. But i have come to terms with that. Life is a learning experiance, and im learning alot as I go. And most of it, in one form or another, is because of you. So thank you. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in any and all ventures your life takes you through.
I have high standards. Some would even say too high of standards. But if your one of the few people that I call friend, you meet them. And i want you to know, that i know its not easy to be my friend. But im going to always be there for you, through thick and thin, whether your right or wrong. Some of you may know that, because i already have been, others may only assume, and others may not even have a clue yet. But thank, and I Love You All.
When I look in the mirror, I dont like what I see. Im talking lifestyle, living life. I cant count how many times i have said i was going to crack down and do something. Eat better, work out more, swear less, or pray more. And I never do. I always have a reason for it. But by reason, I of course mean excuse. I am the king of excuses, no matter what i do, the blame always rests with someone, something else. And im saying, right now, thats all going to change. But know what? I can also see thats a lie again. I try, but i never succeed for some reason. Sin? Temptation? Maybe its even something more simple than that, something like laziness, or greed. Looking back through my entire life, I realize there have been very few people ive respected outside my small group of friends. even less of a number of people i admire, people i consider real heroes. In fact, only two. Jeff Abood and Dave Penn.
Jeff Abood is the father of one of my best friends, someone who is more a brother in fact. And that proves even more true when you consider that his dad was more of a father to me than my own. I remember him taking me on fishing trips, taking me to boy scouts, out for ice cream and movies. To go swimming and bowling. He treated me like he treated his own son, and i have never in my life thanked him for it. Im sure it wasnt always fun for nick to me tagging along for everything. In fact, I know it wasnt, because i can remember one specific time.... It was on a father/son camping trip our boyscout troop took. It was something like 3 nights and 4 days. I remember i was wanting to go so bad, and i asked my father. And we didnt want to go. Not because he had to work or anything, but simply because he didnt want to. And i remember i went across the street, holding back my tears (remember, i was little. i was probably in 4th grade. maybe 5th, tops. this was cool then) as i went to go tell Jeff Abood that I couldnt go. And I remember him giving me a hug and saying that i would be going. And i did. He took me along as his son too. nick and i were always were best friends. so we were on the same group in everything. always picked on the same teams. and it was during a ball game of some type, dodgeball or something. and it was father and son paired up. and me and nick both got called out. but we only had one father between us. and mr abood took me out, instead of nick. looking back now, im sure me and nick both know why he did that. but for kids our age, that had to hurt like hell. that had to be something that couldnt be understood at the time. They were the family i never had, but always wanted. And then highschool came around for me, and i moved. i lost touch with that entire family. And in highschool look at all the problems i had. I know that if i wasnt stupid enough to let that happen, besides having been the one to teach me to swim, to shoot a gun, how to clean knives, and countless other guy things, right beside his own son, he would have been the one to teach me to drive, the one to come see me play sports, and the one to see me graduate. My existance abruptly collided with the entire abood family again just over a year ago. I remember it exactly. I was dropping a bag of groceries off at my grandmothers friends home, who had cancer. And i was driving home, and i saw this kid out in his driveway and someone sitting on the porch. I pull in it, not sure what im doing. And before i realize it, after almost 5 years, im shaking hands with my "brother" and getting a hug from my "mother." just replaying that in my head brings tears to my eyes, when i think of everything they have done for me. And picked up doing for me again. Its no secret i dont get along with my family. The aboods offered me a home, and a family. yes, mr abood, is one of the men that i admire most. hes a hard worker, but on top of that he seems to be a good friend to those around him, and still a dedicated father and husband. I only hope i can someday be half the man he is.
The second man I hold in high regard is Dave Penn. Ive only known dave going on maybe, 6 months. But he has already have an impact on my life. He too is an extremely hard worker. But he always does his best to make time for his friends, church, fiancee, music, and anything else you put on his agenda. I have never in my entire life met someone who doesnt like dave, and its because he is one of the few genuine good guys out there. he sets a great example for those who look up to him (and i know there are alot who look up to him) and he leads by example. He truly is a mans man, and is someone who deserves more respect than he is given. Every time i second guess myself, i try to picture how dave would act in that situation, and while i dont always succeed, sometimes i do. And thats all that matters. Thanks for giving me character dave.
I dont know who I am anymore. I dont know what I want with myself. All i know is when I take a good long look at myself, its like looking in one of those fun house mirrors: Everything is all distorted. I wont lie here and say Im changed. I wont lie and say it will even happen soon. But I will say that Im going to try. I know it will be a bumpy and windy road, but im going to keep trying it. And hopefully ill get alittle bit better each step I take (or nudge im given.)
-Brian |